Author Archives: jonkot

For My Family and Friends, and that is enough for me.

I am not sure if any of the people I endlessly talked about football with would remember, but I really liked Rex Ryan as a coach. It was more in spite of the bombastic things than because of them.

It isn’t enough to make me consider watching the sport again, though. Nor is Fred ending up in Seattle, though that was enough to make me sad about the Bills again. I don’t even care to know more about the he said/she said of it all ever. Fred Jackson should have been allowed to retire a Buffalo Bill as long as he was healthy and able to produce.

I hope the Bills win the Super Bowl this year, though. Because I have two brothers and a Dad who are rabid fans still. I have countless friends and co-workers who run the gamut from die-hard to fair weather.

My brother in Colorado has been taking losing hard long since I gave that up. There were games that stung after awhile, but after becoming a father and seeing what truly matters at the end of the day, well a defensive back falling down or a receiver dropping a ball in the end zone, it stinks, but its a game.

A game versus nature. I will leave it at that. I know I won’t change anything but it changes everything to me. It is enough for me which means it should be enough for you. Despite how I feel I have never once wanted either team to fail. Have I thought of some of the recent struggles as a karmic kickback? Perhaps.

But the sun also rises, and the people of Buffalo are due. My friend Sue is the type of Sabre fan I am proud of. She was rooting for wins while others rooted for a tank. I would not have been behind the tank. Could not have been behind the tank. So every success the Sabres have I will be extra happy for Sue.

I have not filled the time with great swaths of writing or crafts or tangible wonderments to behold. I am pretty sure I perfected my Green Eggs and Ham, though. Sam I Am has a rather floaty voice. I will likely end up at a party at some point where football will be on or my son may want to start watching it.

I may try to steer him to hockey first, as I still watch random NHL games all season long. I can’t attach to a team. I am a retrired Sabre and Bills fan. Lindy coaching in Dallas intrigues me, but it is the Stars, I just can’t do it.  Beyond that, I tried to jump on the Jets when they came back. It is not meant to be.

I think that is okay. Because I do love that sport, hockey. I never once thought of watching another game or following another team besides the Bills. I loved that team, not so much the sport. I am sure aging has something to do with it, but I did watch half a game late October last year when a relative was in the hospital.

It was incredibly violent looking, even 6 weeks removed from watching. There was a tackle near the sidelines that was jarring to me.

I’m off in left field again.  For my family, for my friends, for the die hards,

Let’s go Buffalo.

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Posted by on 09/07/2015 in Dirt


Man in the Box

When it comes to “Seattle Sound”, I am firmly in the Ed Ved as minor diety crowd. I have always felt a pull from Pearl Jam. 

Nirvana and Alice in Chains are in serpentine contest for number two. Both bands are guilty “pleasures”. The music is hunkered down in pain, misery and despair.

Man in the Box. I remember how jarring it was when the video appeared on MTV. The imagery and the lyrics were an affront to Christianity, though I still felt much of the message.

Layne Staley, as I am positive I have reiterated here more than once, was the type of artist whose pain was front and center, beautified at times. I don’t think it was glorified ever, but the spot light was on a soured, sick soul.

And so, as I come to accept things that are not as I wish, I realize the release of such sorrow can have beauty, inform and allow a step forward. 

Or it can be an anchor, as it was for Layne. I didn’t know the man, of course, but the shine of his soul left a mark. I am thankful for it.

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Posted by on 05/16/2015 in Weekapaug Groove


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Another Know Nothing Jon, broken time with Tyrion and Snow, So it goes and other related and unrelated musings

11/30/10. It was a day that was easy and simple in hindsight. Terry Pegula purchased the Buffalo Sabres with money stained in polluted water. 

I ranted a bit at work about it today. Because not 24 hours after I enjoyed the last Buffalo Bills game Terry Pegula purchased the Sabres with money so intertwined in fracking Billy the Buffalo should shit fracking fluid everytime the team loses.

I quit the team the Monday after the 2014 started. I cried. More from the relationships that were held strong by decades of shared allegiance to our gladiator team of choice, the Buffalo Bills.

I used to grunt and cheer with the masses at Rich Stadium when Mike Stratton’s clothesline tackle would play on the Jumbotron. It was to be the 30th season at the stadium.

I don’t miss football. I still watch hockey. But when I see hard hits with my 41 year old mind wincing, body aching, I cringe. Especially dirty shit like Brooks Orpik’s elbow tonight, but I digress.

I’ve been actively dealing with a chronic illness for 18 months. It is no deadlier than life, when managed. I am excelling there.  

But I am not fooling myself any longer. I am broken. Tyrion Lannister spoke for me as much as Jon Snow at Winterfell.

It is not the external rationale presented by Tyrion, rather the internal one that builds that hope- Tomorrow I wake up whole.

I didn’t have it as a mantra, but it was a clause in every statement related to my disease. Well, I continue that diet, the supplements, the vitamins, stretching. It is the road to less infirmity if done proper.

That being said a stick is likely in my near future.
So my point of view is parallel to the differences in Game of Thrones and A Song of Ice and Fire, summerized easiest with Tyrion.

TV Tyrion- stylish scar, handsome to a degree, polished, chokes his betraying lover, but does not watch the life ebb from her.

Book Tyrion- Nose gone, grotesque, two different colored eyes, chokes his betraying lover watching the life fade from her.

I am book Tyrion in acceptance. It is ugly, this situation and while it is possible to regain function it is probable I do not.

So it goes.

The night is dark and full of terrors, winter is coming, hear me roar!

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Posted by on 05/13/2015 in Weekapaug Groove


I took a whole pill

Pain pulled back like a pony tail

pried, positioned like a chorus

Lead vocals, a brief respite

I mumble like Michael Stipe in 1985


The Walking Dead 2/8/15 Spoiler talk

The writers need to have mercy on me this season and keep their hands off Carol and Maggie.

The Greene family is my favorite traditional family to meld into Rick’s Grimes larger band.

Hershel was my favorite from the get go. His behavior throughout is how I perceive myself at my best- helping others, offering an ear and a word.

Also like Hershel, when bitten by darkness (his more literal) it took a friend to nudge me off those rails, to whom I am ever grateful. AMFM had a Grimes moment on my life. She rocks.

Back on task, Hershel has a terrible habit of many of my heroes- he lost his head much like my dear

**** Game of Thrones book one season one spoiler incoming ****

Ned Stark. I really enjoyed the character, have lived moments where empathy has caused me problems. I pick my spots better, I think.

So basically, less like Hershel and Ned in some major ways.

That left me with Maggie and Beth Greene as my Hershel connection. I may have shed a tear for Beth, though by that time she had found her strength, reminding me of Carol when she stepped up to Dawn, which lead quickly through dusk to night. I don’t see how we find day tonight. Maybe we don’t.

Carol- Certainly there are reasons to dislike, perhaps even loathe Carol. Sorry, I get Hershel and Ned Stark about her. Her husband was a piece of shit, her daughter- Sophia- became a zombie, dispatched by Rick (Roland of Gilead, *cough*)at the Greene farm.

The quest for Sophia almost drove Daryl Dixon to total madness. He was uncomfortably Apocalypse Now. He is a true friend to Carol. AMFM, if you will.

So Carol, especially after her redemption- as well as the larger groups descent into an altering rage (near an altar), well it is a different world. The Walkers have done a lot less direct killing. People are killing people with uncomfortable ease. Bob’s burgers took on a new meaning.

Maggie has Glen, so I have always worried less about her. When she was apart from the slaughter I was comforted. Hershel lives on.

But for how long?

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Posted by on 02/08/2015 in Dirt


Bouncing ‘Round the Tree

2015 has started cold in the city of Buffalo and it also continues to plague my creativity, well at least much of the expression of it. Tumble, tumble, tumble like laundry around my cranium.

I do have a number of things afoot, including a potential collaboration with a co-worker that came out of casual conversation.

I also have been getting great ideas at inopportune times. The shower, my muse. Traffic jams on the way to work, Hemingway level shit.

I have been getting the general ideas down, but it is not as magical as that moment. I am working on fleshing out the scraps, working them, manipulating and shaping. I need more time.

So it goes.

Quality family time is always the first objective. I need to guage whether or not I get to the point in story crafting where the moment gets sacrificed for a better future. I need to present that hard choice to myself, though. There is always a rub.

So, slow start to the year. No different than most. I am hoping to make it an exception, accompanied by endless, wonderful new experiences.

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Posted by on 01/14/2015 in Dirt


2015- the quest for strings of cogent thought

No large aspirations, no, I’ll keep it small. Not small Steve Martin style, nor small in stature or substance, rather small as in controllable, doable, achievable.

So I set forth on the same mission as ever, with more purpose, a belief that I can make happen whatever I may dream and a resolve to make the possible into probable.

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Posted by on 01/01/2015 in Dirt